I woke up with this song in my head yesterday:
GLORY DEFINED, Building 429 There's always a better way there's always a bridge that needs crossing there's always the straight and the narrow, the wide and the shallow But I know that You're guiding me and the best is yet to come You've given me hope for tomorrow and I know someday I'll wake up to find Your glory defined and I will finally bow at Your feet I will lift up Your name in honor and praise when I cross over Jordan I know that I'll be running home to You It's always the simple things it's always the obvious that crashes over me It's always in front of me it helps me to remember this is what I live for and I can't wait til I'll wake up to find Your glory defined and I will finally bow at Your feet I will lift up Your name in honor and praise when I cross over Jordan I know that I'll be running home to You There's never a question in Your message never a moment without Your presence there's never a doubt in my mind that I'll wake up to find Your glory defined and I will finally bow at Your feet I will lift up Your name in honor and praise when I cross over Jordan I know that I'll be running home to You
Glory – Honor, credit, purity, value, integrity
Shame – dishonor, discredit, impurity, devalued, lack of integrity
People who like writing papers, like me, often have this annoying habit of defining key words at the beginning of a long discourse on some topic of interest. So, I’ve done it again. *shrugs* Using a trusty source – Dictionary.com and its thesaurus – I found the synonyms quite intriguing. It’s helpful to me to see what these words – so often over-used and mis-used – actually mean.
“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” 😛
If I have a default mode or condition, it’s guilt. Guilt and shame are so inextricably intertwined, I dont quite know where one begins and the other ends. And so I wonder – my guilt, this constant state of guilt – does it stem from shame? Or does the guilt produce the shame? It’s the whole chicken/egg thing. But, that’s neither here nor there. It’s just a random thought. The point is I function on a constant guilt complex. It’s like a universally designed lesson, so that it permeates every aspect of my being albeit in a subtle fashion so that even I’m not aware of its insidious presence.
It’s actually quite depressing if I think about it too hard.
Why the guilt? Why the shame? Asking me wont help b/c I’ve only become truly aware of its presence in the last 2 yrs. I initially thought it was situational. My desire to help Angel – take him in, adopt him, care for him, ‘raise’ him – failed. And so the guilt surfaces. What did I do wrong? Didnt I do what God told me to do? Why didnt he stay? Why is it that altho I’m the one in a position of power and influence, I was unable to change his situation? Or Alex’s? Or Julie’s?
Guilt guilt guilt / Shame shame shame.
Shame on you, Jas.
You could’ve done better.
The feeling isnt only confined to recent failures, tho. I’ve recently become aware that it has a lot to do with loss. Death. Mourning. Like my dad. Lots of time wasted b/c I was busy doing this, that and the other thing. Lots of opportunities lost just b/c I’m a brat who doesnt really like to talk on the phone. I wish I could hear my dad calling me “Jasie” and “mama” just one more time… Then I think of Patty. We had not seen each other in about 7 yrs. Random emails, random IMs… but nothing concrete. So, when she passed, I couldnt help but feel like such an ass. How come I didnt plan to meet her for dinner just once in those yrs? How come I took so long to reply to her IMs? Before Patty there was Timme. He had adopted me as his mom while we were in Cana. He was only 20 when he flew off the roller coaster. All of these deaths – so sudden, so random…
Loss. Death. Mourning. I regret. I replay. And I feel remorse…
The feeling that I’m responsible and guilty for something I did or didnt do.
Guilt… I hate to think of how much guilt motivates me to do things. Because then I fear that I havent actually been sincere about anything. Are my ministries real? Do I really love my kids? I do! My heart screams that I do. But? There’s always a butt. Always a 屁股. But, why am I really at the youth ctr everyday? Do I love to see my friends: Manni, Ellen and Eugene? Yes. Do I love to see my kids and smack them around? You know it! (Emphasis on the smacking around part.) But, why did I pledge that I would stay at the youth ctr even tho I returned to full-time teaching? I promised God I wouldnt abandon the work He’d begun for me at CCHC. I promised Him I’d be around the youth ctr everyday, if I could. (And so I have.) Why did I do this? Guilt. Guilt for leaving CCHC – even tho I knew I needed to. Even tho God gave me permission. Guilt for abandoning a ministry with such great need. Guilt for everything. 😦
Why do I get so involved in ppl’s lives? Is it b/c I really care about them? Or b/c I feel guilty if I dont? I want to believe my motives are more sincere than that! 😛 I cant rip open my heart to see how pure my motivations are. [Only 周星馳 was able to do that in The Odyssey of the Monkey King when he let Madame 30th slice open his chest.] But, I can work on being healed from this perpetual guilt-ridden existence. That way, I will be more assured of why I’m making decisions about things to come in the future. And healing IS coming!
No more hiding, Jas! Remember?
I love You, Lord; You rescued me
You are all that I want
You’re all I need
In Your freedom I will live
In Your freedom I will live